dr. awesomebird or: how i learned to stop worrying and love a hawk

I. AM. BAD. ASS.

Today I learned that the Red-tailed Hawk is my favorite animal despite hating birds in general. Now, I know what you're thinking: "BUT SETH! WHAT ABOUT THE CHEETAH AND THE POLAR BEAR! YOU'VE LOVED THEM SINCE YOU WERE A CHILD!" Yeah, they're pretty good, but guess what? I'm never going to see one in the wild. I saw TWO hawks this morning and it was AWESOME. Let me break down the other reasons I think hawks are the best.

1. They can fly. Sure, so can most birds. But when you see a hawk, you're all "HOLY SHIT A HAWK!" and then it swoops down and kills a mouse that was about to steal your cheese, cookies or identity to buy a speed boat.
2. The Red-tailed Hawk is a celebrity. WHAT?? YUP. You know that bird sound you hear every time there's a scene of a desert or a bird flying in a movie or television programme (British or otherwise) and that you probably heard in your head upon reading the word "hawk?" Guess what bird that is...RED. TAILED. HAWK. WRRRYYYYYYYY!!!!! Hawk, vampire, whatever.
3. You can legally own one and hunt with it. Now, if it was legal to own and hunt with a polar bear or cheetah that wouldn't totally murder you in the process, this might be a different story. HOWEVER, the fact that I could obtain and train a whole bunch of hawks that I could send out for errands/revenge is pretty amazing to think about. What's that? My neighbors are being too loud and are disturbing my slumber?? HAWK SQUAD 4, ATTACK!! 

These are great reasons to choose a Red-tailed Hawk as a favorite animal, but not the best. The best reason is the fictional sub-species I thought of in the shower: The Ruffle-collared Purple-tailed Prince Hawk. Its breast looks like a ruffled shirt, it has purple tail feathers, and when it swoops in on its prey it screams the end of "The Beautiful Ones." Imagine it diving out of the mist of Lake Minnetonka towards a small mammal and hearing BABY BABY BABY I WANT YOU! as its cry. THIS IS THE BEST FICTIONAL ANIMAL EVER. If you disagree, you are objectively WRONG. 

YEAAAAH I WANT YOU!