apparently toddlers and tiaras is NOT a halloween costume contest

"AYYY!" he said, surprised.

Ah, fall (autumn, if I wanted to impress you), my favorite season. Leaves are changing, birds are leaving, and I can wear a sweatshirt and not get hot. The arrival of fall also means that Halloween is right around the corner; and like every American, I like to dress like an idiot, get really drunk and eat a bunch of candy. Now, if I do those things tomorrow, it would probably look bad and people might get angry if I try to give fun-sized Snickers to their children while dressed as an ugly woman. But on Halloween, THIS BEHAVIOR IS TOTALLY ACCEPTABLE! I can even walk around drunk, covered in blood and carrying a realistic knife while waving at police cars and you know what? THEY WOULD WAVE BACK. 

Really, the hardest thing about Halloween is deciding what stupid thing to dress as. It's pretty easy for slutty college girls: red, black or white lingerie with a relevant accessory (devil horns, cat ears, angel wings) and BOOM costume complete. But for folks like me, there's the practical problem of "will this costume get in the way of whatever it is I want to do?" If I put on a trash can and say I'm Oscar the Grouch, is it going to be hard to get in and out of cars? Will I have trouble getting a drink at the bar if I have a cardboard Pacman costume sticking out three feet in front of me? Would I be TOO PRETTY if I put on the right shade of lipstick?!? It can be troublesome. But the worst part is that no matter what, once you get your costume together you're going to realize what you really should have been. Dressed up as a zombie? You probably should have gone one step further and been the ghost of Christmas past from Scrooged or the ghost cabbie from Ghostbusters or some other ghost cab driver from a movie I haven't seen (yeah right). 

Three person costume idea? FIVE?

Of course, the best way to avoid costume regret is to go in a group or with a partner. This opens up literally TENS of other costume options (baby Moses and a bunch of reeds, for example). Also, you can't look like too much like an idiot if you're standing next to someone with the same idea. 

In the end, it all depends on your plans. If you want to go to a costume contest and win a prize, dress as a building. If you're going to a bar to try and pick up chicks, go as a devil, tomcat (animal OR plane), or the archangel Michael and you're guaranteed success (see above). If you're like me and have NO IDEA what you're going to actually end up doing, just dress as a prisoner, cowboy, or superhero because no one uses those anymore. No matter what, you're going to look different from everyone else because they're all going as someone from Jersey Shore. AMERICA.