Wikipedia Brown and the Case of the Adult ADD

I thought I saw a fox today. So, like any other normal human being with "free time," I went on Wikipedia to learn more about this mysterious creature that I maybe saw. 

Okay, so, the fox. WHOOPS. All aboard the wikitrain, folks! First of all, I'm amazed that the animal comes up by default and not the corporation. You would think Rupert Murdoch would take care of that, but no. Second, why does "Vixen" redirect here? Oh, its a female fox. THIS IS SERIOUSLY HOW I LEARN STUFF. Moving on...

HEY, DID YOU KNOW that members of 37 species are referred to as foxes, but only 12 species belong to the Vulpes genus of "TRUE FOXES?" What is a "true fox" and can I impress people by pointing at a certain kind of fox and saying, "ah yes, Professor, that is a true fox of the vulpes genus. Quite beautiful." Apparently the red fox is the most common true fox and therefore most likely what I possibly saw maybe.

NOPE. Though he was known to pop out of tall grass from time to time, this is not the correct red fox. I WISH IT WAS.

YUUP. This is EXACTLY what I saw while driving down my street today. A fox fighting a giant vulture in the snow. And then I spent 15 minutes looking through Google image results for various phrases and forgot I was writing this stupid thing about Wikipedia. So anyway, red foxes are- wait, what's a Bengal fox? Oh, they look shitty and skinny and not bad ass like the tiger or football team. Man, bengals.com is a worthless site in the off season. Every time I go there, there should be a big banner that says "DON'T WORRY, THEY'LL SOMEHOW BE AWESOME THIS YEAR IF THERE IS FOOTBALL" with flashing GIFs of touchdown catches and sparkle letters everywhere. It should also be a geocities site. Does geocities even exist anymore? According to Wikipedia, it only exists in Japan now. 

HEY, DID YOU KNOW that Japan is home to two subspecies of red fox and that the Japanese have myths about foxes that are over fifteen hundred years old??? Apparently, many of these legends can be traced to Chinese fox myths or huli jing. Wikipedia also tells me that in China, the term huli jing is a "derogatory expression describing a woman who seduces a married or otherwise romantically-involved man (i.e., a 'home wrecker')." So even though I still don't know if I saw a fox today, I somehow learned how to insult a Chinese woman. Isn't that What Really Matters™ in the end? 

Check out this slutty vixen

dust off them pencils, tippity type on that keyboard, say nothing, repeat

WELP. It's time to start working on this again, I guess. Where have I been, you ask? Well, I've spent the past six months doing charity, learning new languages, helping animals, and lying. Anyway, its summer now and apparently that means its time for one million weddings.

I'm for neigh marriage. 

I've only been to two and a half weddings in my life. One was really boring, one was awesome, and once I went to a reception where half the people were Albanian and were just throwing money at guys while they took shots. So I guess I don't really know what a regular wedding is like. I assume there is a lot of both crying and drinking out of either happiness or bitterness. Maybe a bit of both.

I know the best man is supposed to make a speech. This is not something I'm sure I could handle appropriately. If for some reason you're getting married and are thinking of making me your best man, keep in mind that I will not prepare anything. I will nervously get drunk and then improvise the speech. I doubt it would even have anything to do with the wedding or anyone in it. I would probably just start misquoting t.v. show catch phrases while thinking that everyone is impressed. "Hey, everybody do the Bartman and have a pretty good time also have my short pants for dinner." *points finger smugly* "DY-NO-MITE, WILLIS.

DO get that candy, though.

Summer also means that school is over, and college students can sell back their text books for literally tens of dollars. A lot of people get really angry that bookstores aren't giving them MORE MONEY for their USED BOOKS. I don't know about you, but any time I can sell something I hated owning that someone else bought for me, I'm pretty satisfied with any amount. I don't really have anything else to say about this topic, it was just a vehicle for the picture. It is ridiculous.

"Divine" by Bieber ft. JW

Moving on, summer is also the time for going to concerts. Most super popular concerts don't really make sense to me. "Let's pay a lot of money and go out of our way to hear songs that we've heard before but don't sound as good because they can't actually sing" [looking at you, Black Eyed Peas (you're awful all the time)]. Of course, there are loads of shows that are great and worth seeing multiple times. Specifically, I'm talking about something like Justin Bieber and John Waters' live stage adaptation of Pink Flamingos.


Finally, UGGHHH YOU GUYS. Writing is HARD. Nothing I just wrote is funny AT ALL. I can't convey my STUPID COMEDY in TEXT FORM. Someone just hire me to put together a variety show and LETS BE DONE WITH IT. This was originally going to be a made up advice column in which I answer people's increasingly absurd problems. This is what I wrote down at work: "Dear-----, I'm afraid my wife is going to leave me. You see, she comes from a rich family and I can't pay for everything she wants on my meager salary" etc. I would then respond "Yes, she's definitely going to leave you" and some other stuff. Then eventually the problem would be "I think my husband is turning into a lizard because I caught him trying to lay eggs in the laundry room" or something like that. Folks, that idea is SO. DUMB... Let's just try this thing again later, OKAY?

~~~~SEE YOU SOON~~~~