kitten sales: a meaningless title i just wrote

Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

work art work: drawings i do at work

Sometimes I draw pictures at work on receipt paper or some sort of scrap paper. Its important to know that I follow this method: draw a face, then keep adding stuff while never admitting a mistake was made. ANYWAY. These are probably worth about $100. Payments to be made through my paypal and in British pounds.

This first piece is called "Jesus Said 'Drink It, Bro'" and is from late October 2010. START THE BIDDING, FOLKS.

Ah, this piece is called "A Guy I Saw Who Asked For Magazines About Food While His Face Was Covered In Food III." Notice how I, the artist, marked that the larger black dots are actually crumbs and not more stubble. It was drawn in late Octo-rober 2010ten.

This piece is called "HEALTHY_LIVING.JPG" and was drawn in late Oct0ober 2010!.

This piece is called "My Summer In London With Papa." Late Octorbrerrr 20100.

Lastly is this piece from 2008 (my dark period) and I think it explains itself.

Thank you for attending my gallery opening.

in space, no one can hear you judge

HAHA, CROCS YOU GUYS

I drew this picture and I don't know what it means or why it exists. Check out that dog, though. And also the crouton storm. And the turtle hat. Anyway.

I saw a family this morning. They were all so blonde that their hair was almost white. There was a little boy of about twelve begging his mom for silly bands. He was wearing a bright white cowboy hat, a puffy brown vest and crisp blue jeans with one leg tucked into his cowboy boots. Then his brother came around the corner. The brother was in his early teens, had braces and was wearing a nice Disney sweatshirt. "Mommy, look!" he said in an unexpectedly deep voice as he held up a Guinness Book of World Records right under his smiling face. "No honey, put it back" his mom replied. He stuck out his bottom lip, dropped the book down to his waist and walked away like a sad Snoopy. Then the young cowboy began to cry. He cried over the silly bands that remained un-bought.

Home school really doesn't work.

laundromat series: familiar faces and race relations

Love is...creeping me out. 

The laundromat was busy this morning, and by busy I mean one woman was using FIVE washing machines and talking on her phone while her kids ran around. Luckily, there was another Mexican newspaper I could look through. First of all, the naked children are back. This time love is something about the sun. All I see is a naked seven year old with super powers that doesn't care if his girlfriend gets wet in the rain. He seems to be telling a story about how he thwarted some villain but has NO IDEA that his girlfriend lost her pearl necklace from last time and is now getting drenched. This kid is an asshole.

CHANGING LIVES.

Next, I saw another familiar face. TWICE. It's the clown that does colorful events. Here he is giving away Guitar Hero to a small child. A few pages later, he's shown giving his trademark "call me!" hand signal. Contrary to what people might say, I like to see people succeed. This Mexican clown is out there DOING IT and I respect him. I RESPECT THIS MEXICAN CLOWN.

SHARING AND CARING

Let's move on to race relations. The hispanic kids from earlier finally stopped running around when a little white boy came in with a box of Hot Wheels. As they sat in the sun screaming and making car crash sounds, I thought about racism. I also thought about parenting, because both moms let some creepy guy blatantly take a picture of their children. I know they saw me do it, but neither one said anything. I have to assume they're used to that sort of behavior at the laundromat. Anyway, about race relations. If all the kids in the country went to laundromats and played with kids from different races, would the world be a better place? Would we still be putting up fences around our borders and our hearts??? I thought about this for a few minutes before turning back to the newspaper. As I flipped the page, I realized Mexico was still a ways off on the whole erasing racism thing.

Damn it, Mexico.

I mean, at least this Little Black Sambo character is breaking the chains, right? Although, the face at the top next to "Memin Pinguin" kind of undoes that one good part of the drawing. Aside from the amazing racism advertising a BRAND NEW work, what confuses me the most is what is written in the yellow explosion. It says "ejemplar de obsequio!" which the internet translates as "flattery unit!" WHAT COULD THIS POSSIBLY MEAN? Are these people part of a superhero squad called The Flattery Unit? If so, are they aligned with the naked child from earlier? Is their primary purpose to go around flattering people? SO. MANY. QUESTIONS. I finally came to the conclusion that Mexico is building some sort of stereotype army. Now, I'm not certain what their goal is, but it probably has to do with flattery and forcing everyone to wonder if yelling through a megaphone and blowing a whistle somehow makes music better (hint: it does not).

THEY'RE ON THE MARCH

apparently toddlers and tiaras is NOT a halloween costume contest

"AYYY!" he said, surprised.

Ah, fall (autumn, if I wanted to impress you), my favorite season. Leaves are changing, birds are leaving, and I can wear a sweatshirt and not get hot. The arrival of fall also means that Halloween is right around the corner; and like every American, I like to dress like an idiot, get really drunk and eat a bunch of candy. Now, if I do those things tomorrow, it would probably look bad and people might get angry if I try to give fun-sized Snickers to their children while dressed as an ugly woman. But on Halloween, THIS BEHAVIOR IS TOTALLY ACCEPTABLE! I can even walk around drunk, covered in blood and carrying a realistic knife while waving at police cars and you know what? THEY WOULD WAVE BACK. 

Really, the hardest thing about Halloween is deciding what stupid thing to dress as. It's pretty easy for slutty college girls: red, black or white lingerie with a relevant accessory (devil horns, cat ears, angel wings) and BOOM costume complete. But for folks like me, there's the practical problem of "will this costume get in the way of whatever it is I want to do?" If I put on a trash can and say I'm Oscar the Grouch, is it going to be hard to get in and out of cars? Will I have trouble getting a drink at the bar if I have a cardboard Pacman costume sticking out three feet in front of me? Would I be TOO PRETTY if I put on the right shade of lipstick?!? It can be troublesome. But the worst part is that no matter what, once you get your costume together you're going to realize what you really should have been. Dressed up as a zombie? You probably should have gone one step further and been the ghost of Christmas past from Scrooged or the ghost cabbie from Ghostbusters or some other ghost cab driver from a movie I haven't seen (yeah right). 

Three person costume idea? FIVE?

Of course, the best way to avoid costume regret is to go in a group or with a partner. This opens up literally TENS of other costume options (baby Moses and a bunch of reeds, for example). Also, you can't look like too much like an idiot if you're standing next to someone with the same idea. 

In the end, it all depends on your plans. If you want to go to a costume contest and win a prize, dress as a building. If you're going to a bar to try and pick up chicks, go as a devil, tomcat (animal OR plane), or the archangel Michael and you're guaranteed success (see above). If you're like me and have NO IDEA what you're going to actually end up doing, just dress as a prisoner, cowboy, or superhero because no one uses those anymore. No matter what, you're going to look different from everyone else because they're all going as someone from Jersey Shore. AMERICA.

dr. awesomebird or: how i learned to stop worrying and love a hawk

I. AM. BAD. ASS.

Today I learned that the Red-tailed Hawk is my favorite animal despite hating birds in general. Now, I know what you're thinking: "BUT SETH! WHAT ABOUT THE CHEETAH AND THE POLAR BEAR! YOU'VE LOVED THEM SINCE YOU WERE A CHILD!" Yeah, they're pretty good, but guess what? I'm never going to see one in the wild. I saw TWO hawks this morning and it was AWESOME. Let me break down the other reasons I think hawks are the best.

1. They can fly. Sure, so can most birds. But when you see a hawk, you're all "HOLY SHIT A HAWK!" and then it swoops down and kills a mouse that was about to steal your cheese, cookies or identity to buy a speed boat.
2. The Red-tailed Hawk is a celebrity. WHAT?? YUP. You know that bird sound you hear every time there's a scene of a desert or a bird flying in a movie or television programme (British or otherwise) and that you probably heard in your head upon reading the word "hawk?" Guess what bird that is...RED. TAILED. HAWK. WRRRYYYYYYYY!!!!! Hawk, vampire, whatever.
3. You can legally own one and hunt with it. Now, if it was legal to own and hunt with a polar bear or cheetah that wouldn't totally murder you in the process, this might be a different story. HOWEVER, the fact that I could obtain and train a whole bunch of hawks that I could send out for errands/revenge is pretty amazing to think about. What's that? My neighbors are being too loud and are disturbing my slumber?? HAWK SQUAD 4, ATTACK!! 

These are great reasons to choose a Red-tailed Hawk as a favorite animal, but not the best. The best reason is the fictional sub-species I thought of in the shower: The Ruffle-collared Purple-tailed Prince Hawk. Its breast looks like a ruffled shirt, it has purple tail feathers, and when it swoops in on its prey it screams the end of "The Beautiful Ones." Imagine it diving out of the mist of Lake Minnetonka towards a small mammal and hearing BABY BABY BABY I WANT YOU! as its cry. THIS IS THE BEST FICTIONAL ANIMAL EVER. If you disagree, you are objectively WRONG. 

YEAAAAH I WANT YOU!

mexican time travel and learning about women

I found some sort of Mexican newspaper at the laundromat today and was disturbed by it. First, I found a cartoon of two naked children drinking wine and looking at each other with bedroom eyes. 

Now, my one semester of high school spanish tells me that the caption says something about love and radar. The kids look like they're from the 60's so my best guess is that in Mexico, children are being sent to some sort of high-tech time travel swingers parties...and falling in love. Then when they grow up, their own children do the same thing! You guys, most Mexicans are time travelers. Now that we know, we should invite them all into the country so we can steal their technology and save the world. WORLD PROBLEMS: SOLVED.

Next, I found this picture. Sources tell me that the headline reads "BORING." This doesn't make any sense. First of all, IT TOTALLY ISN'T BORING! Secondly, it ends in an "a" so it must be the feminine form of BORING. I now have to assume that women must find sombrero-wearing, double-chinned men to be boring. As a result, I have to change my whole game plan for finding a woman AND throw out my sombrero. Thanks for telling me, ladies.

EXCLUSIVE BONUS CONTENT

angry about fiber

EAT RIGHT AND HAVE FUN AT SCHOOL GOD DAMN IT

I saw this at the grocery store and couldn't un-see an angry/sad frowning robot yelling "Pack a Smile."  You can't really tell, but the eyes were flashing red. Apparently it's supposed to be the back of a school bus.

the force is actually made out of transgender discourse particles

While taking the train to Chicago, the conductor's voice came out of the intercom between stops three and four and said, "I think I qualify for my dentistry degree." No one responded or even seemed to notice and I wondered if I had finally lost my mind. Soon after, a group of teenage skaters boarded to ride the rails and forced me to make puns. They were rowdy at first but settled down when two strange young men sat next to them a few stops later. One of them had his head shaved except for his bangs, which were dyed black, and he wore a rainbow striped shirt with purple pants and combat boots. He was probably making a statement. The other looked like he was just getting back from riding 4-wheelers with his cousins. He had a chinstrap beard, which was really his only defining characteristic other than his piercing voice. An odd couple; one had a loud outfit, the other had a loud voice. Immediately after taking their seats, the beard started talking (loudly, of course). The conversation started with the question, "You know 'Empire Strikes Back' right?" I settled in for a good nerd conversation, but two sentences later, I heard the phrase "transgender politics" and realized I might be in trouble. He went on and on like he was trying to impress the entire train with the knowledge he gained in five weeks of women's studies and philosophy classes. He named dropped feminist authors and used the words "trans" and "society" and "culture" and "discourse" but it was obvious he had no idea what he was talking about. "Like, its my body...why should SOCIETY have any SAY in what I DO with it?" he would say. The youngest of the skaters, a boy no older than twelve, was sitting closest to them and had a confused and disturbed look on his face. He just wasn't ready to hear about the philosophy of "trans culture," I guess. 

There were a lot of questions running through my head when I disembarked. Why didn't the rainbow shirt say anything? Was he saying enough with his outfit? What were the skaters thinking as they sat quietly and listened to an uninformed college sophomore? HOW DID THE CONVERSATION NATURALLY GO FROM 'STAR WARS' TO TRANSGENDER CULTURE IN UNDER TWENTY SECONDS?? These are going to be mysteries forever. But as the trip concluded, there was only one question that mattered: Why didn't everyone clap when the conductor made his dentistry announcement? Train conductor to dentist is a pretty awesome career path, you know.