dust off them pencils, tippity type on that keyboard, say nothing, repeat

WELP. It's time to start working on this again, I guess. Where have I been, you ask? Well, I've spent the past six months doing charity, learning new languages, helping animals, and lying. Anyway, its summer now and apparently that means its time for one million weddings.

I'm for neigh marriage. 

I've only been to two and a half weddings in my life. One was really boring, one was awesome, and once I went to a reception where half the people were Albanian and were just throwing money at guys while they took shots. So I guess I don't really know what a regular wedding is like. I assume there is a lot of both crying and drinking out of either happiness or bitterness. Maybe a bit of both.

I know the best man is supposed to make a speech. This is not something I'm sure I could handle appropriately. If for some reason you're getting married and are thinking of making me your best man, keep in mind that I will not prepare anything. I will nervously get drunk and then improvise the speech. I doubt it would even have anything to do with the wedding or anyone in it. I would probably just start misquoting t.v. show catch phrases while thinking that everyone is impressed. "Hey, everybody do the Bartman and have a pretty good time also have my short pants for dinner." *points finger smugly* "DY-NO-MITE, WILLIS.

DO get that candy, though.

Summer also means that school is over, and college students can sell back their text books for literally tens of dollars. A lot of people get really angry that bookstores aren't giving them MORE MONEY for their USED BOOKS. I don't know about you, but any time I can sell something I hated owning that someone else bought for me, I'm pretty satisfied with any amount. I don't really have anything else to say about this topic, it was just a vehicle for the picture. It is ridiculous.

"Divine" by Bieber ft. JW

Moving on, summer is also the time for going to concerts. Most super popular concerts don't really make sense to me. "Let's pay a lot of money and go out of our way to hear songs that we've heard before but don't sound as good because they can't actually sing" [looking at you, Black Eyed Peas (you're awful all the time)]. Of course, there are loads of shows that are great and worth seeing multiple times. Specifically, I'm talking about something like Justin Bieber and John Waters' live stage adaptation of Pink Flamingos.


Finally, UGGHHH YOU GUYS. Writing is HARD. Nothing I just wrote is funny AT ALL. I can't convey my STUPID COMEDY in TEXT FORM. Someone just hire me to put together a variety show and LETS BE DONE WITH IT. This was originally going to be a made up advice column in which I answer people's increasingly absurd problems. This is what I wrote down at work: "Dear-----, I'm afraid my wife is going to leave me. You see, she comes from a rich family and I can't pay for everything she wants on my meager salary" etc. I would then respond "Yes, she's definitely going to leave you" and some other stuff. Then eventually the problem would be "I think my husband is turning into a lizard because I caught him trying to lay eggs in the laundry room" or something like that. Folks, that idea is SO. DUMB... Let's just try this thing again later, OKAY?

~~~~SEE YOU SOON~~~~