Wikipedia Brown and the Case of the Adult ADD

I thought I saw a fox today. So, like any other normal human being with "free time," I went on Wikipedia to learn more about this mysterious creature that I maybe saw. 

Okay, so, the fox. WHOOPS. All aboard the wikitrain, folks! First of all, I'm amazed that the animal comes up by default and not the corporation. You would think Rupert Murdoch would take care of that, but no. Second, why does "Vixen" redirect here? Oh, its a female fox. THIS IS SERIOUSLY HOW I LEARN STUFF. Moving on...

HEY, DID YOU KNOW that members of 37 species are referred to as foxes, but only 12 species belong to the Vulpes genus of "TRUE FOXES?" What is a "true fox" and can I impress people by pointing at a certain kind of fox and saying, "ah yes, Professor, that is a true fox of the vulpes genus. Quite beautiful." Apparently the red fox is the most common true fox and therefore most likely what I possibly saw maybe.

NOPE. Though he was known to pop out of tall grass from time to time, this is not the correct red fox. I WISH IT WAS.

YUUP. This is EXACTLY what I saw while driving down my street today. A fox fighting a giant vulture in the snow. And then I spent 15 minutes looking through Google image results for various phrases and forgot I was writing this stupid thing about Wikipedia. So anyway, red foxes are- wait, what's a Bengal fox? Oh, they look shitty and skinny and not bad ass like the tiger or football team. Man, bengals.com is a worthless site in the off season. Every time I go there, there should be a big banner that says "DON'T WORRY, THEY'LL SOMEHOW BE AWESOME THIS YEAR IF THERE IS FOOTBALL" with flashing GIFs of touchdown catches and sparkle letters everywhere. It should also be a geocities site. Does geocities even exist anymore? According to Wikipedia, it only exists in Japan now. 

HEY, DID YOU KNOW that Japan is home to two subspecies of red fox and that the Japanese have myths about foxes that are over fifteen hundred years old??? Apparently, many of these legends can be traced to Chinese fox myths or huli jing. Wikipedia also tells me that in China, the term huli jing is a "derogatory expression describing a woman who seduces a married or otherwise romantically-involved man (i.e., a 'home wrecker')." So even though I still don't know if I saw a fox today, I somehow learned how to insult a Chinese woman. Isn't that What Really Matters™ in the end? 

Check out this slutty vixen

dust off them pencils, tippity type on that keyboard, say nothing, repeat

WELP. It's time to start working on this again, I guess. Where have I been, you ask? Well, I've spent the past six months doing charity, learning new languages, helping animals, and lying. Anyway, its summer now and apparently that means its time for one million weddings.

I'm for neigh marriage. 

I've only been to two and a half weddings in my life. One was really boring, one was awesome, and once I went to a reception where half the people were Albanian and were just throwing money at guys while they took shots. So I guess I don't really know what a regular wedding is like. I assume there is a lot of both crying and drinking out of either happiness or bitterness. Maybe a bit of both.

I know the best man is supposed to make a speech. This is not something I'm sure I could handle appropriately. If for some reason you're getting married and are thinking of making me your best man, keep in mind that I will not prepare anything. I will nervously get drunk and then improvise the speech. I doubt it would even have anything to do with the wedding or anyone in it. I would probably just start misquoting t.v. show catch phrases while thinking that everyone is impressed. "Hey, everybody do the Bartman and have a pretty good time also have my short pants for dinner." *points finger smugly* "DY-NO-MITE, WILLIS.

DO get that candy, though.

Summer also means that school is over, and college students can sell back their text books for literally tens of dollars. A lot of people get really angry that bookstores aren't giving them MORE MONEY for their USED BOOKS. I don't know about you, but any time I can sell something I hated owning that someone else bought for me, I'm pretty satisfied with any amount. I don't really have anything else to say about this topic, it was just a vehicle for the picture. It is ridiculous.

"Divine" by Bieber ft. JW

Moving on, summer is also the time for going to concerts. Most super popular concerts don't really make sense to me. "Let's pay a lot of money and go out of our way to hear songs that we've heard before but don't sound as good because they can't actually sing" [looking at you, Black Eyed Peas (you're awful all the time)]. Of course, there are loads of shows that are great and worth seeing multiple times. Specifically, I'm talking about something like Justin Bieber and John Waters' live stage adaptation of Pink Flamingos.


Finally, UGGHHH YOU GUYS. Writing is HARD. Nothing I just wrote is funny AT ALL. I can't convey my STUPID COMEDY in TEXT FORM. Someone just hire me to put together a variety show and LETS BE DONE WITH IT. This was originally going to be a made up advice column in which I answer people's increasingly absurd problems. This is what I wrote down at work: "Dear-----, I'm afraid my wife is going to leave me. You see, she comes from a rich family and I can't pay for everything she wants on my meager salary" etc. I would then respond "Yes, she's definitely going to leave you" and some other stuff. Then eventually the problem would be "I think my husband is turning into a lizard because I caught him trying to lay eggs in the laundry room" or something like that. Folks, that idea is SO. DUMB... Let's just try this thing again later, OKAY?

~~~~SEE YOU SOON~~~~

kitten sales: a meaningless title i just wrote

Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

work art work: drawings i do at work

Sometimes I draw pictures at work on receipt paper or some sort of scrap paper. Its important to know that I follow this method: draw a face, then keep adding stuff while never admitting a mistake was made. ANYWAY. These are probably worth about $100. Payments to be made through my paypal and in British pounds.

This first piece is called "Jesus Said 'Drink It, Bro'" and is from late October 2010. START THE BIDDING, FOLKS.

Ah, this piece is called "A Guy I Saw Who Asked For Magazines About Food While His Face Was Covered In Food III." Notice how I, the artist, marked that the larger black dots are actually crumbs and not more stubble. It was drawn in late Octo-rober 2010ten.

This piece is called "HEALTHY_LIVING.JPG" and was drawn in late Oct0ober 2010!.

This piece is called "My Summer In London With Papa." Late Octorbrerrr 20100.

Lastly is this piece from 2008 (my dark period) and I think it explains itself.

Thank you for attending my gallery opening.

in space, no one can hear you judge

HAHA, CROCS YOU GUYS

I drew this picture and I don't know what it means or why it exists. Check out that dog, though. And also the crouton storm. And the turtle hat. Anyway.

I saw a family this morning. They were all so blonde that their hair was almost white. There was a little boy of about twelve begging his mom for silly bands. He was wearing a bright white cowboy hat, a puffy brown vest and crisp blue jeans with one leg tucked into his cowboy boots. Then his brother came around the corner. The brother was in his early teens, had braces and was wearing a nice Disney sweatshirt. "Mommy, look!" he said in an unexpectedly deep voice as he held up a Guinness Book of World Records right under his smiling face. "No honey, put it back" his mom replied. He stuck out his bottom lip, dropped the book down to his waist and walked away like a sad Snoopy. Then the young cowboy began to cry. He cried over the silly bands that remained un-bought.

Home school really doesn't work.

laundromat series: familiar faces and race relations

Love is...creeping me out. 

The laundromat was busy this morning, and by busy I mean one woman was using FIVE washing machines and talking on her phone while her kids ran around. Luckily, there was another Mexican newspaper I could look through. First of all, the naked children are back. This time love is something about the sun. All I see is a naked seven year old with super powers that doesn't care if his girlfriend gets wet in the rain. He seems to be telling a story about how he thwarted some villain but has NO IDEA that his girlfriend lost her pearl necklace from last time and is now getting drenched. This kid is an asshole.

CHANGING LIVES.

Next, I saw another familiar face. TWICE. It's the clown that does colorful events. Here he is giving away Guitar Hero to a small child. A few pages later, he's shown giving his trademark "call me!" hand signal. Contrary to what people might say, I like to see people succeed. This Mexican clown is out there DOING IT and I respect him. I RESPECT THIS MEXICAN CLOWN.

SHARING AND CARING

Let's move on to race relations. The hispanic kids from earlier finally stopped running around when a little white boy came in with a box of Hot Wheels. As they sat in the sun screaming and making car crash sounds, I thought about racism. I also thought about parenting, because both moms let some creepy guy blatantly take a picture of their children. I know they saw me do it, but neither one said anything. I have to assume they're used to that sort of behavior at the laundromat. Anyway, about race relations. If all the kids in the country went to laundromats and played with kids from different races, would the world be a better place? Would we still be putting up fences around our borders and our hearts??? I thought about this for a few minutes before turning back to the newspaper. As I flipped the page, I realized Mexico was still a ways off on the whole erasing racism thing.

Damn it, Mexico.

I mean, at least this Little Black Sambo character is breaking the chains, right? Although, the face at the top next to "Memin Pinguin" kind of undoes that one good part of the drawing. Aside from the amazing racism advertising a BRAND NEW work, what confuses me the most is what is written in the yellow explosion. It says "ejemplar de obsequio!" which the internet translates as "flattery unit!" WHAT COULD THIS POSSIBLY MEAN? Are these people part of a superhero squad called The Flattery Unit? If so, are they aligned with the naked child from earlier? Is their primary purpose to go around flattering people? SO. MANY. QUESTIONS. I finally came to the conclusion that Mexico is building some sort of stereotype army. Now, I'm not certain what their goal is, but it probably has to do with flattery and forcing everyone to wonder if yelling through a megaphone and blowing a whistle somehow makes music better (hint: it does not).

THEY'RE ON THE MARCH

apparently toddlers and tiaras is NOT a halloween costume contest

"AYYY!" he said, surprised.

Ah, fall (autumn, if I wanted to impress you), my favorite season. Leaves are changing, birds are leaving, and I can wear a sweatshirt and not get hot. The arrival of fall also means that Halloween is right around the corner; and like every American, I like to dress like an idiot, get really drunk and eat a bunch of candy. Now, if I do those things tomorrow, it would probably look bad and people might get angry if I try to give fun-sized Snickers to their children while dressed as an ugly woman. But on Halloween, THIS BEHAVIOR IS TOTALLY ACCEPTABLE! I can even walk around drunk, covered in blood and carrying a realistic knife while waving at police cars and you know what? THEY WOULD WAVE BACK. 

Really, the hardest thing about Halloween is deciding what stupid thing to dress as. It's pretty easy for slutty college girls: red, black or white lingerie with a relevant accessory (devil horns, cat ears, angel wings) and BOOM costume complete. But for folks like me, there's the practical problem of "will this costume get in the way of whatever it is I want to do?" If I put on a trash can and say I'm Oscar the Grouch, is it going to be hard to get in and out of cars? Will I have trouble getting a drink at the bar if I have a cardboard Pacman costume sticking out three feet in front of me? Would I be TOO PRETTY if I put on the right shade of lipstick?!? It can be troublesome. But the worst part is that no matter what, once you get your costume together you're going to realize what you really should have been. Dressed up as a zombie? You probably should have gone one step further and been the ghost of Christmas past from Scrooged or the ghost cabbie from Ghostbusters or some other ghost cab driver from a movie I haven't seen (yeah right). 

Three person costume idea? FIVE?

Of course, the best way to avoid costume regret is to go in a group or with a partner. This opens up literally TENS of other costume options (baby Moses and a bunch of reeds, for example). Also, you can't look like too much like an idiot if you're standing next to someone with the same idea. 

In the end, it all depends on your plans. If you want to go to a costume contest and win a prize, dress as a building. If you're going to a bar to try and pick up chicks, go as a devil, tomcat (animal OR plane), or the archangel Michael and you're guaranteed success (see above). If you're like me and have NO IDEA what you're going to actually end up doing, just dress as a prisoner, cowboy, or superhero because no one uses those anymore. No matter what, you're going to look different from everyone else because they're all going as someone from Jersey Shore. AMERICA.