am college helping are future?

Recently I found myself looking through some old college papers. Two things appeared in almost every one: a lot of semicolons and ridiculous titles. Most of the titles are either references to movies, song titles, or quotes. However, there were occasional papers that were just stupid. For example, "'Danger! Semiotics!' and Other Clever Signs" for a paper on...semiotics. Another was "Team 'American Lasers' Has an Idea" for a project proposal. Then I found the best one. The stupidest title for a college paper ever...and I included a cover page with pictures. 

This was a paper on the possibility of a classless society (not possible) and it was actually well written, in my opinion. Look at that cover though. That was the first thing my professor saw when I handed in the assignment. The terrible pun, the clip art...WHY? 

Of course, this was nothing compared to the picture I made for the cover of my senior project. HOW DID I GRADUATE?

dog garbage because writing is horrible

Clearly I've had writers block for months now, so it's time to work it out by writing some scenarios.

A dog walks into a bank while it is being robbed by two guys in black and white striped shirts. Everyone looks at the dog and laughs because dogs don't have money. Then the robbers get serious again. One robber puts his gun in the tellers face and demands ALL OF THE MONEY. Somehow the dog is a cop. Thats the end. That didn't work out. Try again.

Two guys are robbing a bank. There are no dogs in the bank. One robber puts his gun in the tellers face and demands ALL OF THE MONEY. She complies. The robbers run out of the bank laughing and carrying bags with dollar signs on them. Their get away car pulls up. The driver is a dog. Both the robbers start screaming, but the dog is calm. "Get in," says the dog. "What happened to Lopez?" asks the robber. "He had to go to a wedding," said the dog, putting on sunglasses, "Also, I'm a ghost." I feel like this is getting better. We're close now. We're going to break through this block together. We're going to be like Mario, breaking a block to save the princess. Then Mario finds out the princess was his daughter from the future and everyone throws up. Awful. Next.

Two guys rob a bank. As they are escaping, one of them is shot. They go to the safe house to wait for the rest of the gang. Both robbers think they've been sold out by someone on the inside. As the other members arrive, everyone is suspicious of everyone else. "Which one of you bastards sold us out?" they keep asking. No one knows. The robber who was shot is dying, but no one cares except the robber who escaped with him. Suddenly the cops show up and start shooting. The dying robber looks at his friend and says "Hey man, I gotta tell you something." He pulls off his face and it turns out he is a dog. "Also, I'm a cop" he says.  His friend is pissed that he's a cop, but then he pulls off his face and he is also a dog. They both die in a reservoir. Wait. Wait...shit. This isn't working out at all. This is like that time when you were a kid on vacation and that goddamn monkey broke your dads favorite watch but everyone blamed you. Then the monkey tells you that if you ever tell anyone the truth, he's going to find where you live and break more stuff. But you know that if he ever shows his face in your hometown, you and your crew are gonna wreck him. You hate that monkey. THIS IS WHAT WRITING IS LIKE FOR ME NOW BYE.

your best is always just mediocre

I thought it might be funny to try my hardest at drawing. So I got some paper and did my best to draw a few different subjects from memory. My thought process being "trying my best and failing horribly will be pretty funny." Unfortunately, like most things in life it just turned out alright. It's not the worst, but it isn't remotely good either. Just on the shitty side of meh. Anyway, I thought it would be stupid to let them go to waste, so now I'm going to waste your time.

First, a rhino. I remembered that rhinos have some armor plating so I tried to do that, but it didn't really work out. I added some grass and birds and the Sun to show it was in Africa, because I'm stupid.

Next I tried a kangaroo with a joey. I added that big rock and some birds and the Sun to show it was in Australia.

Moving away from the animal theme, here is a witch casting a spell on a cat. I added the moon because I was getting lazy already. STILL TRYING MY BEST, THOUGH~

This is when things started to get weird. I messed up the angle on King Arthur's arm so pretend he just stabbed someone with Excalibur out of frame. The horse was an afterthought because his legs looked weird. Also, apparently I can only draw things facing left. I added some clouds and an archer to show it was in England.

Here we have a scene from the Nickelodeon show Clarissa Explains it All. Clarissa's friend Sam is arriving by ladder and I hope he doesn't step in Elvis' terrarium!!! Offscreen, Ferguson is being an ass and Marshall is calling someone Sport. ALL FROM MEMORY, FOLKS.

Lastly, I tried to draw Harry Potter but I messed up his hair so I made it Harold Potter: Jewish Wizard™ If you remove the scar and text, it looks like a homeless Santa harassing some kid. I didn't try my best on this one and that's why it's my favorite. 

I didn't try my best on this post, either. SEE YOU AGAIN IN A FEW MONTHS!!!!!!!!!!

Wikipedia Brown and the Case of the Adult ADD

I thought I saw a fox today. So, like any other normal human being with "free time," I went on Wikipedia to learn more about this mysterious creature that I maybe saw. 

Okay, so, the fox. WHOOPS. All aboard the wikitrain, folks! First of all, I'm amazed that the animal comes up by default and not the corporation. You would think Rupert Murdoch would take care of that, but no. Second, why does "Vixen" redirect here? Oh, its a female fox. THIS IS SERIOUSLY HOW I LEARN STUFF. Moving on...

HEY, DID YOU KNOW that members of 37 species are referred to as foxes, but only 12 species belong to the Vulpes genus of "TRUE FOXES?" What is a "true fox" and can I impress people by pointing at a certain kind of fox and saying, "ah yes, Professor, that is a true fox of the vulpes genus. Quite beautiful." Apparently the red fox is the most common true fox and therefore most likely what I possibly saw maybe.

NOPE. Though he was known to pop out of tall grass from time to time, this is not the correct red fox. I WISH IT WAS.

YUUP. This is EXACTLY what I saw while driving down my street today. A fox fighting a giant vulture in the snow. And then I spent 15 minutes looking through Google image results for various phrases and forgot I was writing this stupid thing about Wikipedia. So anyway, red foxes are- wait, what's a Bengal fox? Oh, they look shitty and skinny and not bad ass like the tiger or football team. Man, bengals.com is a worthless site in the off season. Every time I go there, there should be a big banner that says "DON'T WORRY, THEY'LL SOMEHOW BE AWESOME THIS YEAR IF THERE IS FOOTBALL" with flashing GIFs of touchdown catches and sparkle letters everywhere. It should also be a geocities site. Does geocities even exist anymore? According to Wikipedia, it only exists in Japan now. 

HEY, DID YOU KNOW that Japan is home to two subspecies of red fox and that the Japanese have myths about foxes that are over fifteen hundred years old??? Apparently, many of these legends can be traced to Chinese fox myths or huli jing. Wikipedia also tells me that in China, the term huli jing is a "derogatory expression describing a woman who seduces a married or otherwise romantically-involved man (i.e., a 'home wrecker')." So even though I still don't know if I saw a fox today, I somehow learned how to insult a Chinese woman. Isn't that What Really Matters™ in the end? 

Check out this slutty vixen

dust off them pencils, tippity type on that keyboard, say nothing, repeat

WELP. It's time to start working on this again, I guess. Where have I been, you ask? Well, I've spent the past six months doing charity, learning new languages, helping animals, and lying. Anyway, its summer now and apparently that means its time for one million weddings.

I'm for neigh marriage. 

I've only been to two and a half weddings in my life. One was really boring, one was awesome, and once I went to a reception where half the people were Albanian and were just throwing money at guys while they took shots. So I guess I don't really know what a regular wedding is like. I assume there is a lot of both crying and drinking out of either happiness or bitterness. Maybe a bit of both.

I know the best man is supposed to make a speech. This is not something I'm sure I could handle appropriately. If for some reason you're getting married and are thinking of making me your best man, keep in mind that I will not prepare anything. I will nervously get drunk and then improvise the speech. I doubt it would even have anything to do with the wedding or anyone in it. I would probably just start misquoting t.v. show catch phrases while thinking that everyone is impressed. "Hey, everybody do the Bartman and have a pretty good time also have my short pants for dinner." *points finger smugly* "DY-NO-MITE, WILLIS.

DO get that candy, though.

Summer also means that school is over, and college students can sell back their text books for literally tens of dollars. A lot of people get really angry that bookstores aren't giving them MORE MONEY for their USED BOOKS. I don't know about you, but any time I can sell something I hated owning that someone else bought for me, I'm pretty satisfied with any amount. I don't really have anything else to say about this topic, it was just a vehicle for the picture. It is ridiculous.

"Divine" by Bieber ft. JW

Moving on, summer is also the time for going to concerts. Most super popular concerts don't really make sense to me. "Let's pay a lot of money and go out of our way to hear songs that we've heard before but don't sound as good because they can't actually sing" [looking at you, Black Eyed Peas (you're awful all the time)]. Of course, there are loads of shows that are great and worth seeing multiple times. Specifically, I'm talking about something like Justin Bieber and John Waters' live stage adaptation of Pink Flamingos.


Finally, UGGHHH YOU GUYS. Writing is HARD. Nothing I just wrote is funny AT ALL. I can't convey my STUPID COMEDY in TEXT FORM. Someone just hire me to put together a variety show and LETS BE DONE WITH IT. This was originally going to be a made up advice column in which I answer people's increasingly absurd problems. This is what I wrote down at work: "Dear-----, I'm afraid my wife is going to leave me. You see, she comes from a rich family and I can't pay for everything she wants on my meager salary" etc. I would then respond "Yes, she's definitely going to leave you" and some other stuff. Then eventually the problem would be "I think my husband is turning into a lizard because I caught him trying to lay eggs in the laundry room" or something like that. Folks, that idea is SO. DUMB... Let's just try this thing again later, OKAY?

~~~~SEE YOU SOON~~~~

kitten sales: a meaningless title i just wrote

Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

work art work: drawings i do at work

Sometimes I draw pictures at work on receipt paper or some sort of scrap paper. Its important to know that I follow this method: draw a face, then keep adding stuff while never admitting a mistake was made. ANYWAY. These are probably worth about $100. Payments to be made through my paypal and in British pounds.

This first piece is called "Jesus Said 'Drink It, Bro'" and is from late October 2010. START THE BIDDING, FOLKS.

Ah, this piece is called "A Guy I Saw Who Asked For Magazines About Food While His Face Was Covered In Food III." Notice how I, the artist, marked that the larger black dots are actually crumbs and not more stubble. It was drawn in late Octo-rober 2010ten.

This piece is called "HEALTHY_LIVING.JPG" and was drawn in late Oct0ober 2010!.

This piece is called "My Summer In London With Papa." Late Octorbrerrr 20100.

Lastly is this piece from 2008 (my dark period) and I think it explains itself.

Thank you for attending my gallery opening.