so this still exists. don't read it, though.

Life is hard sometimes. Sometimes you realize that you can never top that post you made years ago about Halloween costumes and that no one will notice if you quit updating your horrible blog. Coming up with ideas is hard, folks. However, I feel I owe it to all of my fan to keep trying to think of things to write about. So let's see. How did I do this before...oh yeah, stupid internet pictures.

Ughhh. That's a wacky picture, huh? So, horses. I've always been a little intimidated by horses, mostly because of their giant teeth. I've now stared at this sentence for five minutes, so clearly I have nothing more to say about horses. I'm not even going to acknowledge that it's a seal in a horse mask. It's probably just doing that weird seal bark in there. Thinkin' 'bout fish...NEXT. 

This tiger ripped up a chair. I'm sure there are some cat jokes in here somewhere. Something about kitty litter and scratching posts. I don't know. Oh. How about "hey I hate mondays too but THIS IS RIDICULOUS!"???? Because Garfield...Welp. I think that'll do it. This is just to see if I remember how to write blog posts. I'm not sure I ever actually knew what I was doing. I'll try again in a year.

R.I.P.

tuesdays with tico or: what is punctuation?

YOU GUYS, SOMETHING HAPPENED. I found some chat logs today. I realize that posting chat logs isn't COOL or INTERESTING or A GOOD IDEA...but this one is different. The year was 2004 and a young Tico contacted a young me about an old computer game. Then something amazing happened. Something amazingly awful and stupid. A misspelling of ~tilde~ led to a misunderstanding which led to some fucking bonkers nonsense in the form of a story. Listen folks, sometimes a story happens and you just gotta roll with it. I assume this is what most people's teenage conversations were like, anyway.

Now, they called it the ship of dreams...

22:08:34 Me: super neat

22:08:43 Tico: its one of my fav games

22:09:33 Tico: old as tilda

22:10:05 Me: not old tilda

22:10:13 Tico: yep

22:10:31 Me: she was the oldest cat i ever knew

22:11:22 Tico: she liked to jump on the keyboard and hold the shift button in

22:11:38 Tico: and then she would hit the button to the left of 1

22:12:06 Me: sometimes she'd just fall down and then get mad and pout

22:12:19 Tico: ~_~  tildas mad again

22:12:27 Me: hufff

22:12:35 Tico: have some snacks

22:12:52 Tico: oh tilda you'll never understand the qwerty keyboard

22:13:29 Tico: and then she died right then

22:14:14 Me: we made little tim bury her in the back yard. he cried a lot, but tilda wouldve liked that

22:15:09 Tico: tim was only 9, much younger than tilda.  it was like burying a family member in his darth vader costume

22:17:25 Me: unfortunately it was december and tim just buried her in the snow. tilda's enemy scooter the terrier found her a few days later and dropped her off on the dinner table

22:20:19 Tico: this is a sign the people would say, then they kinda lost their appetite and went to go watch tv.  tilda was left there for a few days and tim sat under the table and cried himself to sleep every 3 hours

22:21:36 Me: tim was prone to vomiting, but didnt want to make a mess. so when he kissed tilda before sleeping, he'd just vomit in his mothers biggest stew pot

22:23:17 Tico: mother would get angry everytime, "tim please at least use the sink its right there"  then mother would clean out the stew pot and hide it somewhere in the house

22:24:27 Me: but tim didnt want to use the sink, he wanted to use the stew pot because thats where he used to give tilda her bath. so tim was forced to find it over and over again so he could vomit

22:27:36 Tico: Gerald, tim's older brother, didnt get much attention in those days. Gerald started to act like something smelled good and would almost eat the vomit.  It was funny for a few times but then it just got really sad after the 20th time

22:29:38 Me: "mm..this smells good" he would say. "god damn it gerald, just heat it up and eat it" mother would respond while wearing a mustache. the boys father commited suicide after tilda died but mother hadnt told them yet.

22:34:30 Tico: tilda for the family was their last hope some would say.  the family never really returned to what they were.  They went grocery shopping at least 3 times a day.  Mother made Gerald wear the moustache in public.  "you're a man now Gerald" she said with a smile.  "Thank you mother"  Gerald said everytime he taped the black comb to his face

22:39:32 Me: and tim, poor tim. tim would just sit under the table kissing tilda and vomiting into the stew pot. when he started going through puberty he was very confused about what love was. "tilda" he thought "i loved tilda." thats when mother decided to bury her. gerald supervised, saying "put your back into it, boy" and "the boss isnt gonna like this"

22:46:02 Tico: when tim put on the darth vader costume again it didnt quite fit anymore, as one would expect.  tim put it on on his own accord.  gerald thought it was cool, and mother was busy washing off all of the marker on her face and back.  tim thought satan would grab tilda out of the ground like the hand monsters in Zelda. tim was never more scared in his life and Gerald started wearing more of his make up

22:47:50 Me: that was when the fog came.

22:48:19 Tico: and the sounds that sounded like jet engines.

22:49:21 Me: tim and mother hid in the bathtub, but gerald just stood outside and laughed while smearing lipstick all over his body

22:51:16 Tico: tim chanted his favorite songs two words at a time, mixed with the words "terra force" sometimes

22:56:27 Me: mother just slapped him, but then the power from the terra force rose up from outside and tilda awoke to vanquish the fog. tim was excited at first, then scared. tilda came in the house, passed tim, stepped on the shift key and disappeared.

23:02:28 Tico: the family was quite scared after that.  They still used the keyboard and computer often.  they felt a feeling much like an electric shock every time they touched the shift key.  and whenever they touched the shift and the key to the left of one they saw the inner workings of whatever machine they dreamed.  It was kind of boring after a while, no one really cared about machines but Gerald thought it was kind of cool, so tim did too.  Mother just sat and tried to solve the magic eye poster she bought a few days ago

23:04:17 Tico: or so the story goes, of the unknown "tilda key" the end.

23:04:27 Me: phew

23:04:29 Tico: its ended

23:04:33 Me: amen.

am college helping are future?

Recently I found myself looking through some old college papers. Two things appeared in almost every one: a lot of semicolons and ridiculous titles. Most of the titles are either references to movies, song titles, or quotes. However, there were occasional papers that were just stupid. For example, "'Danger! Semiotics!' and Other Clever Signs" for a paper on...semiotics. Another was "Team 'American Lasers' Has an Idea" for a project proposal. Then I found the best one. The stupidest title for a college paper ever...and I included a cover page with pictures. 

This was a paper on the possibility of a classless society (not possible) and it was actually well written, in my opinion. Look at that cover though. That was the first thing my professor saw when I handed in the assignment. The terrible pun, the clip art...WHY? 

Of course, this was nothing compared to the picture I made for the cover of my senior project. HOW DID I GRADUATE?

dog garbage because writing is horrible

Clearly I've had writers block for months now, so it's time to work it out by writing some scenarios.

A dog walks into a bank while it is being robbed by two guys in black and white striped shirts. Everyone looks at the dog and laughs because dogs don't have money. Then the robbers get serious again. One robber puts his gun in the tellers face and demands ALL OF THE MONEY. Somehow the dog is a cop. Thats the end. That didn't work out. Try again.

Two guys are robbing a bank. There are no dogs in the bank. One robber puts his gun in the tellers face and demands ALL OF THE MONEY. She complies. The robbers run out of the bank laughing and carrying bags with dollar signs on them. Their get away car pulls up. The driver is a dog. Both the robbers start screaming, but the dog is calm. "Get in," says the dog. "What happened to Lopez?" asks the robber. "He had to go to a wedding," said the dog, putting on sunglasses, "Also, I'm a ghost." I feel like this is getting better. We're close now. We're going to break through this block together. We're going to be like Mario, breaking a block to save the princess. Then Mario finds out the princess was his daughter from the future and everyone throws up. Awful. Next.

Two guys rob a bank. As they are escaping, one of them is shot. They go to the safe house to wait for the rest of the gang. Both robbers think they've been sold out by someone on the inside. As the other members arrive, everyone is suspicious of everyone else. "Which one of you bastards sold us out?" they keep asking. No one knows. The robber who was shot is dying, but no one cares except the robber who escaped with him. Suddenly the cops show up and start shooting. The dying robber looks at his friend and says "Hey man, I gotta tell you something." He pulls off his face and it turns out he is a dog. "Also, I'm a cop" he says.  His friend is pissed that he's a cop, but then he pulls off his face and he is also a dog. They both die in a reservoir. Wait. Wait...shit. This isn't working out at all. This is like that time when you were a kid on vacation and that goddamn monkey broke your dads favorite watch but everyone blamed you. Then the monkey tells you that if you ever tell anyone the truth, he's going to find where you live and break more stuff. But you know that if he ever shows his face in your hometown, you and your crew are gonna wreck him. You hate that monkey. THIS IS WHAT WRITING IS LIKE FOR ME NOW BYE.

your best is always just mediocre

I thought it might be funny to try my hardest at drawing. So I got some paper and did my best to draw a few different subjects from memory. My thought process being "trying my best and failing horribly will be pretty funny." Unfortunately, like most things in life it just turned out alright. It's not the worst, but it isn't remotely good either. Just on the shitty side of meh. Anyway, I thought it would be stupid to let them go to waste, so now I'm going to waste your time.

First, a rhino. I remembered that rhinos have some armor plating so I tried to do that, but it didn't really work out. I added some grass and birds and the Sun to show it was in Africa, because I'm stupid.

Next I tried a kangaroo with a joey. I added that big rock and some birds and the Sun to show it was in Australia.

Moving away from the animal theme, here is a witch casting a spell on a cat. I added the moon because I was getting lazy already. STILL TRYING MY BEST, THOUGH~

This is when things started to get weird. I messed up the angle on King Arthur's arm so pretend he just stabbed someone with Excalibur out of frame. The horse was an afterthought because his legs looked weird. Also, apparently I can only draw things facing left. I added some clouds and an archer to show it was in England.

Here we have a scene from the Nickelodeon show Clarissa Explains it All. Clarissa's friend Sam is arriving by ladder and I hope he doesn't step in Elvis' terrarium!!! Offscreen, Ferguson is being an ass and Marshall is calling someone Sport. ALL FROM MEMORY, FOLKS.

Lastly, I tried to draw Harry Potter but I messed up his hair so I made it Harold Potter: Jewish Wizard™ If you remove the scar and text, it looks like a homeless Santa harassing some kid. I didn't try my best on this one and that's why it's my favorite. 

I didn't try my best on this post, either. SEE YOU AGAIN IN A FEW MONTHS!!!!!!!!!!

Wikipedia Brown and the Case of the Adult ADD

I thought I saw a fox today. So, like any other normal human being with "free time," I went on Wikipedia to learn more about this mysterious creature that I maybe saw. 

Okay, so, the fox. WHOOPS. All aboard the wikitrain, folks! First of all, I'm amazed that the animal comes up by default and not the corporation. You would think Rupert Murdoch would take care of that, but no. Second, why does "Vixen" redirect here? Oh, its a female fox. THIS IS SERIOUSLY HOW I LEARN STUFF. Moving on...

HEY, DID YOU KNOW that members of 37 species are referred to as foxes, but only 12 species belong to the Vulpes genus of "TRUE FOXES?" What is a "true fox" and can I impress people by pointing at a certain kind of fox and saying, "ah yes, Professor, that is a true fox of the vulpes genus. Quite beautiful." Apparently the red fox is the most common true fox and therefore most likely what I possibly saw maybe.

NOPE. Though he was known to pop out of tall grass from time to time, this is not the correct red fox. I WISH IT WAS.

YUUP. This is EXACTLY what I saw while driving down my street today. A fox fighting a giant vulture in the snow. And then I spent 15 minutes looking through Google image results for various phrases and forgot I was writing this stupid thing about Wikipedia. So anyway, red foxes are- wait, what's a Bengal fox? Oh, they look shitty and skinny and not bad ass like the tiger or football team. Man, bengals.com is a worthless site in the off season. Every time I go there, there should be a big banner that says "DON'T WORRY, THEY'LL SOMEHOW BE AWESOME THIS YEAR IF THERE IS FOOTBALL" with flashing GIFs of touchdown catches and sparkle letters everywhere. It should also be a geocities site. Does geocities even exist anymore? According to Wikipedia, it only exists in Japan now. 

HEY, DID YOU KNOW that Japan is home to two subspecies of red fox and that the Japanese have myths about foxes that are over fifteen hundred years old??? Apparently, many of these legends can be traced to Chinese fox myths or huli jing. Wikipedia also tells me that in China, the term huli jing is a "derogatory expression describing a woman who seduces a married or otherwise romantically-involved man (i.e., a 'home wrecker')." So even though I still don't know if I saw a fox today, I somehow learned how to insult a Chinese woman. Isn't that What Really Matters™ in the end? 

Check out this slutty vixen

dust off them pencils, tippity type on that keyboard, say nothing, repeat

WELP. It's time to start working on this again, I guess. Where have I been, you ask? Well, I've spent the past six months doing charity, learning new languages, helping animals, and lying. Anyway, its summer now and apparently that means its time for one million weddings.

I'm for neigh marriage. 

I've only been to two and a half weddings in my life. One was really boring, one was awesome, and once I went to a reception where half the people were Albanian and were just throwing money at guys while they took shots. So I guess I don't really know what a regular wedding is like. I assume there is a lot of both crying and drinking out of either happiness or bitterness. Maybe a bit of both.

I know the best man is supposed to make a speech. This is not something I'm sure I could handle appropriately. If for some reason you're getting married and are thinking of making me your best man, keep in mind that I will not prepare anything. I will nervously get drunk and then improvise the speech. I doubt it would even have anything to do with the wedding or anyone in it. I would probably just start misquoting t.v. show catch phrases while thinking that everyone is impressed. "Hey, everybody do the Bartman and have a pretty good time also have my short pants for dinner." *points finger smugly* "DY-NO-MITE, WILLIS.

DO get that candy, though.

Summer also means that school is over, and college students can sell back their text books for literally tens of dollars. A lot of people get really angry that bookstores aren't giving them MORE MONEY for their USED BOOKS. I don't know about you, but any time I can sell something I hated owning that someone else bought for me, I'm pretty satisfied with any amount. I don't really have anything else to say about this topic, it was just a vehicle for the picture. It is ridiculous.

"Divine" by Bieber ft. JW

Moving on, summer is also the time for going to concerts. Most super popular concerts don't really make sense to me. "Let's pay a lot of money and go out of our way to hear songs that we've heard before but don't sound as good because they can't actually sing" [looking at you, Black Eyed Peas (you're awful all the time)]. Of course, there are loads of shows that are great and worth seeing multiple times. Specifically, I'm talking about something like Justin Bieber and John Waters' live stage adaptation of Pink Flamingos.


Finally, UGGHHH YOU GUYS. Writing is HARD. Nothing I just wrote is funny AT ALL. I can't convey my STUPID COMEDY in TEXT FORM. Someone just hire me to put together a variety show and LETS BE DONE WITH IT. This was originally going to be a made up advice column in which I answer people's increasingly absurd problems. This is what I wrote down at work: "Dear-----, I'm afraid my wife is going to leave me. You see, she comes from a rich family and I can't pay for everything she wants on my meager salary" etc. I would then respond "Yes, she's definitely going to leave you" and some other stuff. Then eventually the problem would be "I think my husband is turning into a lizard because I caught him trying to lay eggs in the laundry room" or something like that. Folks, that idea is SO. DUMB... Let's just try this thing again later, OKAY?

~~~~SEE YOU SOON~~~~